Former NCAA National Champion and Nine-time world record holder Lia Thomas announced that she is done as a professional swimmer.

“Nobody wants me on their team,” Thomas allegedly said, “They’re all transphobes and bigots.”

Thomas has certainly made a lot of waves in the world of women’s competitive swimming. After she transitioned from male to female right before the start of a new season, she dominated the sport for two solid years.

“He won seven national titles and broke nine world records,” said Riley Gaines, who lost a dream shot to stand on the podium to Thomas, “And he exposed himself in the women’s locker room, which was just horrible.”

ALLOD Sportsball Analyst Tara Newhole says there’s a good chance that some or all of the facts in the first four paragraphs of our story are completely false, unfortunately. “It’s not your fault,” she reported, “Sometimes we write what we hope and pray rather than what actually happened.”

Newhole pointed out that Thomas wasn’t a powerhouse in the world of swimming, having won in only one event, and never once coming close to ma world record. “Riley is a little crybaby,” said Newhole, “She tied for 5th. There was no podium for her either way. Nobody would know who she is if Thomas wasn’t standing next to her in pictures.”

She’s correct. While Thomas has moved on, Gaines is still crying about a thing that affects…virtually nobody. God Bless America.