After the US Olympic Committee told NCAA Champ Lia Thomas that she could only try out for the men’s national team because of new global swimming rules, she decided to give it a shot.
It didn’t go very well.
Thomas tried to qualify for five different races and didn’t place in any of them. In the 500 meter, the title the swimmer owns from college, She came in dead last. In the 200, the race she stole from Riley Gaines, she placed a miserable fifth. “It was like watching a child try out for an adult competition,” said Committee Chair Joe Barron, “I don’t think Thomas will be back in the pool anytime soon.”
“Lia has decided not to pursue a post-collegiate swimming career,” said a spokesperson for the athlete, “She only hopes that her withdrawal will help Riley Gaines move on and get a job.”
That last crack may seem a bit unwarranted, but Thomas has her reasons. Gaines was as nice as pie until she realized she only had two options in life. She chose “right-wing stooge” over “dentist,” and hasn’t stopped attacking Lia since. It’s almost like she really just doesn’t like teeth all that much.
It’s okay, though. With her lack of an ass and eyes that are so close together she looks like Dory, Riley is sure to stay in the spotlight they use to entice morons into the cult. God Bless America.