Judge Awards Riley Gaines $8 Million In Whoopi Defamation Case: “You Should Have Asked For More”

Riley Gaines was robbed of a moment she’ll never get back when Lia Thomas crossed that finish line just ahead of her. She forever became the girl who lost rather than the star who won, as God intended.

While that was bad enough, it paled in comparison to the horrible things Whoopi Goldberg said about her live on national television.

“She can’t swim,” said Goldberg, “what kind of petulant child puts up two years’ worth of fights to solidify a 5th-place tie? Get a job.”

Gaines is likely to continue with her activism, announcing that she’s once again foregoing dental school for a lucrative career as a political pundit.

According to ALLOD Legal Analyzer Tara Newhole, Gaines will likely never amount to much else. “She’s angry and not quite good enough to continue competitive swimming,” said Newhole, “so this is a perfect career choice.”

Tara is right, as usual. While Riley could be considered a typical “cute blonde,” the reality of the situation is that there’s little about her besides her hair to rely on. Her chubby cheeks look funny in her swimming getup, her eyes are way too close together, and she has no glutes to speak of.

All of that combined makes her the perfect pundit for people who already can’t get enough of Tomi Lahren’s fivehead. God Bless America.

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