US Team Benches Megan Rapinoe for “Unforgivable” Behavior: “Start Your Retirement Early”

Megan Rapinoe is a troublemaker. The issues she causes the United States Women’s National Team are no longer worth the effort, according to the team’s leadership.

“Rapinoe’s unforgivable behavior on the field has come to a head,” said Team Spokesman Joe Barron, “regardless of how good she might be, no performance is worth the mocking and ridicule our team takes on her behalf.”

Rapinoe is a decent player by most standards, with some wins and a couple of records, but she’s also toxic, according to her former teammate and jaded lover, Josephine Laform. “All she does is scream and yell hateful things on the field,” said Laform, “One time she followed a woman from Team Niger around calling her ‘Uncle Tom’ because she once said she thought Donald Trump was funny.”

It was episodes like that one that led to the decision by the team to put Rapinoe on the bench for the remainder of her career.

This isn’t the first time Rapinoe’s anger issues have gotten her in trouble. During a match with Aukland during the 2004 Olympics in Dubai, Rapinoe reportedly jumped the barrier and climbed into the stands to chase down a spectator. She was nearly charged with a felony for the incident but her victim refused to press charges.

“I’m not really a victim,” said the woman, “I threw my panties at her. She brought them back. Then we spent the weekend in Milan. It was magical.”

There’s no way to tell if the team won or lost after Rapinoe left the field, sadly, but that’s the kind of thing they’re used to. God bless America.

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