“Nobody Thought I Could Win” – Riley Gaines Beats Lia Thomas in Olympic Qualifier

The universe is beginning to realign. At the pre-Olympic tryouts this week in Negasquam, Minnesota, Riley Gaines qualified for two events while Lia Thomas washed out on hers.

“Riley swam like a true champion,” said former Olympic Medalist Joe Barron, “It was a pleasure to be her timekeeper. Thomas, on the other hand, looked as though she hadn’t trained in months.”

According to sources close to the Olympics that may or may not be reliable, Thomas has been hoping that just her wingspan and extra testosterone would get her through the trials and she could then train like Rocky Blaboa in a small Russian town just outside Springfield, Siberia.

“That’s not how it works,” said Barron, who still holds the world record for the 10K meter broadstroke, “You have to train as if every race is your last. Or something to that extent.”

ALLOD Sportsball Analysticator Tara Newhole stayed home and reported on the event from her couch, because there are no Del Tacos in Minnesota. “I’m getting a little bit tired of your appetite dictating my travel plans,” she said, “how about next week we cover something in Tarpon Springs and I’ll grab you some pastitsio?”

Newhole says the entire premise of the story is nearly as ridiculous as the storyline about a guy in Maine pretending he’s from Tallahassee while craving Del Taco, which is apparently disgusting. “It’s really getting old,” she mumbled, “stupid fu…..”

There’s a reason we’re down to one or two articles a week, patriots. Following the weird fetishes of low-IQ cultists ain’t easy. God bless America.

Related Posts

A superstar asks a little girl to sing. Seconds later, the girl brought the entire hall to its feet

In a moment that would forever be etched in the annals of entertainment history, the charismatic superstar took a spontaneous leap of faith. The stage was set,…

Upon hearing the remarkable voice of the young girl, the jurors were moved to kneel down in front of her.

Seven-year-old Chelsea made an unforgettable appearance on the junior edition of “The Voice,” where she showcased her remarkable talent with a rendition of Alicia Keys’ iconic hit,…

Here’s what Tiger Woods’ ex-wife, Elin Nordegren, is up to now.

One of the finest athletes, Tiger Woods has long been recognized for his tenacity and competitive spirit. In addition to playing golf, he made an effort to…

In his grandparents’ sealed garage, he discovered a 63-year-old caravan

Many of us happen to have a special event in our lives. For example, a man went to check his grandparents’ sealed garage to see in what…

12 very rare photos of Princess Diana

Princess Diana was quite the most popular lady on the planet! In the 80’s and’s everything 90 might do she made was reported by paparazzi. While it…

Simon Cowell started crying! The boy sang such a song that Simon couldn’t speak. He went up to the stage to kiss the boy

In a remarkable turn of events on the renowned talent show stage, Simon Cowell, known for his discerning and often stoic demeanor, found himself visibly moved to…

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *