Anheuser Busch Closing Its Flagship Brewery After “Worst Year Ever”

Bud Light sales have dipped so far in the past three weeks that the company now faces an unthinkable task: shuttering the brewery that produces it.

Unfortunately, that brewery happens to be the flagship, iconic building in St. Louis that has been a staple of the city’s northwestern skyline for more than 125 years.

“We’re going to keep the property, obviously,” said CEO Joe Barron, “until we can find a way to repurpose it. It doesn’t look like Bud Light will ever come back to the pre-Mulvaney/Kid Rock levels.”

The Clydesdales that reside at the company stables, which are also on the property, will be relocated to Busch Gardens in Tampa Bay, even though that’s not an Anheuser Busch thing anymore. “W#e’re still happy to take them,” said Park Manager Lauren Perrine, “they’re goodbois.”

According to our records, the Clydesdales are, in fact, very goodbois. Residents of the St. Louis area come out every February 9th to celebrate Clydesdale Day by giving the massive beasts apples and sugar cubes. The date commemorates the first time Adolf Busch Anheuser Jr. sodomized one of the animals in the public square.

“Nobody really knows why they celebrate that,” said Barron, “other than convenience. I’m told that’s also the native day of the Sasquatch.”

Missouri has complicated traditions, but now it has one less. The company hopes to at least pull off a nice trunk or treat in the parking lot for the community this October,. since they also won’t be in Bavaria.

You did this to yourself, Anheuser Busch. Now you truly know what it’s like to be an American.

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