Riley Gaines Beats Lia Thomas For the Last Spot on the Pro Tour: “She Never Gave Up”

In what bookmakers are calling the upset of all time in women’s swimming, Riley Gaines beat Lia Thomas for the last spot left on the US Pro Swimming Tour.

USPST President Joe Barron says they weren’t considering Gaines at all until she requested a qualifier against the other six people already in contention. She had her attorney draw up a letter, and boom: It was on.

“Ms. Gaines wasn’t going to sit on the sidelines and do nothing,” said Attorney Ryan J Fish of Williams, Vanden, and Boom, “the only fair play was to get in the pool.”

Against incredible odds, Gaines pulled out a win by less than a second in the 10K Meter Quad Stroke. “It was really impressive,” said Barron, “she never gave up.”

That’s what being a superstar is all about. We sent ALLOD Forensic Journalist to Kentucky, because we couldn’t think of a better place to have a race with Riley Gaines in it, and found that the entire story may be fabricated, but that it’s “plausibly true if you think about it.”

In essence, what Riley Gaines has gone through has brought us to the point that rewarding her for continuing to make a 5th-place tie so relevant has become about a bi-weekly thing, and that’s probably not gonna stop until someone new joins “The View.”

God Bless You, Riley Gaines, and your funny-looking eyes and ridiculously small tuchus. You make us all want to be better Americans.

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