Whoopi Says She’ll Quit If “The View” Adds Roseanne Barr

Whoopi Goldberg took to the airwaves to complain to her audience about Roseanne Barr earlier, claiming she’d quit if “The View” hired her as a new conservative host.

“I know we need contrast, but this is ridiculous,” Whoopi whined, “why not just send in Candace Owens or the pant-shitter girl?”

According to the show’s producer, Joe Barron, the hype is just that, because Roseanne has already turned the network down. “She said she wouldn’t work for ABC again if the CEO came down and personally licked her bunghole.”

ABC says it was a one-time offer to try to make peace between the rejuvenated star and her former workmates, both at the network and on “The Conners.” Roseanne made it very clear that she wants nothing to do with the network and that her former castmates can “eat a pile of each other’s turds.”

She always did have a way with words. “They stole my show and sent me out to pasture. Why would I bring any of my good fortune their way?”

Barron says he’s happy for Roseanne and hopes her real life goes half as well as the past week in satire. “It’s been a lot of fun, watching potatoes believe a single standup bit on Fox Nation aimed directly at the cult would revive a racist’s career.”

We hope the same, Roseanne. Never surrender! Remember: It’s not racism if you believe it’s true. God Bless America.

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