Vindication: Jury Awards Roseanne Barr $208 Million for Stealing “The Conners”

The legal battle over The Conners is finally over, with Roseanne Barr coming out on top to the tune of $208 million.

Roseanne Barr may have been down, but she was never out. The Jury in San Luis Obispo County awarded her $208 million from ABC. The 12-person panel agreed with her legal team: The network straight-up stole her show.

“The good people of Sanlubop know what’s up,” said attorney Thomas Bagger, “ABC used some lame excuse to evict a good woman from her own show and handed it to the supporting cast. They wanted a liberal show and they knew how to get there.”

The producers of “The Conners don’t deny that they really liked the direction they took the show after Roseanne’s departure.

“Lead writer Joe Barron really took some personal satisfaction in offing her as a pill junkie,” said Executive Producer Art Tubolls, “he thought it was hilarious that a conservative woman was the brunt of every joke for the first 4 episodes.”

They may have laughed then, but they’re not laughing now. The Jury gave ABC one week to come up with the money. A popular show in the area, “The Jury” hears cases from both sides presented by internet commenters. So far, in 207 cases, they’ve found for 17 plaintiffs for a total of $709 billion in money they’d sue for if it was them. The show has 3.2 million followers on YouTube, and this just officially became the dumbest storyline of all time.

Hopefully, this will put an end to all the “where is she now” pieces about Barr, who can take her pretend winnings and let them ride in a friendly online game at Pokerstars. Christ this went south fast.

God bless America.

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