“Black National Anthem” Banned From All NFL Games: “It’s Too Divisive”

The NFL had quite the fiasco on its hands when Beyonce Knowles decided to replace the National Anthem with “The Black National Anthem” in San Fransisco.

Fans immediately flooded the phone lines and email inboxes with complaints and demands for answers.

“We want to know who thought it would be okay,” said Karen Detmeyer of the Conservative United National Trust Society, “We sponsor the US Armed forces through grants to the NFL for nearly a billion dollars a year. They’re not only bound by honor but by contract to make sure the great patriots who fought and died for our freedom aren’t disrespected on any given Sunday.”

Detmeyer says the ban is sufficient for now, but if there’s another incident, she’ll be forced to speak with NFL General Manager Joe Barron.

“Of course Karen wants to speak to the manager,” said Colin Kaepernick in a statement, “She’s the one who keeps me blacklisted. Lift the ban, Karen!” Detmeyer didn’t respond to our requests for comment, but she said to tell Missy she’s a hooooooooer.

Now that the base is all riled up about a song that was belted out lovingly by a couple of choirs of proud black children in Kansas City, banning it seemed to be the most likely course of action. “It’s what they want,” said ALLOD creative consultant Tara Newhole, “That’s why I switch the mailbox letters at Lowe’s to read ‘fuck Trump,’” she said, “It’s fun to watch them get all emotional over stuff.”

She’s not wrong there, patriots, which makes the last three paragraphs of this nonsense about the silliest thing ever written. God Bless America.

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