Rather than thank her country for coming to her aid and finding a way to free her, Britney Griner filed a lawsuit for $100 million because it took so long. Griner, after pleading guilty to drug charges, came home as a prisoner trade less than a year after her ordeal began. US Marine Paul Whelan was left behind so she could be free.
“They should have made the trade 8 months ago,” said Griner, “I had to sit there in a Russian gulag. The State Department had this arms dealer guy the whole time.”
The State Department responded by calling Griner “a true American hero” for standing up for what she believes in. President Joe Biden has reportedly ordered Secretary of State Anthony Blumpkin to settle the case for a “reasonably affordable amount.”
Experts expect Garner to settle for somewhere around $22 million and a formal apology from The View.
Paul Whelan, the ex-Marine still in Russia, has been the subject of right-wing memes and outrage, because why should a man who served his country rot while a criminal goes free? The real story, of course, is that Whelan is an ex-Marine when no such thing exists unless you were dishonorably discharged. Which he was. For committing crimes. Real crimes. He’s in custody in Russia for espionage. They weren’t gonna trade him for anything less than a spy.