NFL Ends Three Decades of Partnership with Bud Light: “Nobody Buys It Anymore”

You know you’re in trouble when you’re too woke for the NFL.

In 1988, Anheuser Busch entered into a partnership with the National Football League that would change the history of television commercials. That season, during the Super Bowl, fans around the world experienced the very first “Bud Bowl.”

There were eight Bud Bowls, ending in 1997, but that wouldn’t end the collaboration. The only thing that could do that…was Dylan Mulvaney.

The NFL has announced that the partnership is over, and that Budweiser is far too toxic to serve to rowdy football fans.

“We don’t want the added hassle of fans fighting over politics in the stands. They’re already pretty unruly as it is,” said NFL Head of Stadium Security Joe Barron, “The drunk tank in Philly would be a war zone.”

It’s true. Bumpkins from rural New Jersey who think they’re from Philly because it’s the closest city to their manure pile would definitely attack anyone drinking a Bud Light, wearing a rainbow, or sporting a suspiciously liberal hairstyle.

“It’s a winning policy,” said Barron, “we’re probably gonna go with something less controversial like Pabst Blue Ribbon. So far we can only find one Pride shirt with their name on it and it seems like it might be home made.”

It’s tough to be too woke for the NFL, but somehow, Budweiser has found a way. God Bless America.

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