Whoopi Goldberg Denies Her Childhood Best Friend’s Dying Request

Whoopi Goldberg isn’t just an awful person on television. She’s also an awful person in real life. According to reports from the Berhuaser Melanthian Cancer Institute in Mastfirel, Connecticut, her childhood best friend, Josephine Barron, knows better than anyone.

“Jo asked her to come and see her before she passed,” said family friend nurse Cynthia Luwho, “and quite frankly, we were all a little bit surprised when she showed up.”

Whoopi didn’t show up to say goodbye or to grant a dying request, however. She showed up to tell her friend of more than half a century that she’ll never forgive her for voting for Donald Trump.

“All Jo wanted was for her to admit that Trump was a good president. That’s it,” said LuWho, “she couldn’t even do that. Jo died a few days later with tears in her eyes and pain in her heart.”

We reached out to Goldberg who denies the incident occurred as reported. “I’m actually denying that it happened at all,” she said, “I don’t have any childhood friends dying of cancer in made-up towns in Connecticut. Busta is getting desperate.”

It’s true, patriots. With the slow news cycle and nothing on the books, until Kid Rock does something dumb again, the storylines become a bit blurrier. But this one should still do okay.

The real crime is the slow Facebook reach because of the introduction of Threads. Just give us back our potatoes, Mark. That’s all we ask. God Bless America.

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